Never Imagined Myself as a Writer
by knoxqsays
Summary: Sometimes Santana feels like her head might just explode from all the secrets she's been keeping, so she thought it might be best sometimes if she writes them down. Secret interactions, conversations and thoughts from our favourite Latina lesbian.
1. Chapter 1

Never Imagined Myself as a Writer

Sometimes Santana feels like her head might just explode from all the secrets she's been keeping, so she thought it might be best sometimes if she writes them down. Secret interactions, conversations and thoughts from our favourite Latina lesbian.

I can barely write this down and I've never really kept a diary before, but this was the first piece of paper I could get my hands on. My head might just explode from all the secrets I've been keeping up here, so I thought it was best if I just write them down.

Why am I doing this? Well, here it goes.

Today I spotted that fish-faced blond kid in the library. Word is that he has dyslexia, so I thought, oh maybe he just wants to practice learning how to read or something right? Right. So I paid him no mind because I was looking to skim that stupid new novel Quinn has been going on and on about. And then it happened. Fish Face dropped his bag. I tried to cover up my laugh, but he heard me and was all like, "Oh hey you're Santana from the Glee Club right?" and I had to go and properly converse with him. Then I spotted it. A blue notebook with 'Diary' on top. Like the curious girl that I am, I wanted to see what Puffy Lips had written on it. Hey I just wanted to know what his deal was okay? So I quickly yelled, "Watch out!" so he could turn his head and I slipped the diary under my shirt before telling him, "Gotcha. See ya."

And oh boy, I've learned so much. I photocopied some of the pages and highlighted the important bits. Maybe one day I could use them against Salamander Lips.

 _…_ _I really hope that the guys on the foot ball team don't think Im being vane or any thing because I just really need to no that the lemon joos is still working on my hair that's why I keep looking in the miror. Their aren't many pipol hear with blond hair so I got edge…_

 _…_ _I saw a blond cheeryo thogh and she is fine…_

 _…_ _her name is Brittany. Brittany. Susan. Peirce. Pierce. I need to get that spelling wright._

 _…_ _Other blond Quinn is pretty to…_

 _…_ _Why is Quinn easyer to tok to than BRITTANY._

 _…_ _Quinn is nice._

 _…_ _Brittany is still the hottest tho. Quinn is the purtiest._

 _…_ _Finn is so kind. I wish I had a brother like him._

 _…_ _I heard Brittany say she liked aminals today. i want to save some cash and get her a stuffd aminal._

 _…_ _I really hope they dont think I'm gay. I like blond girls._

Trouty Mouth has a thing for my home girl Britt-Britt! I am so angry. I read through his entire diary twice. I hate that I agree with a lot of what he said. Quinn is the prettiest, I hate her so much. She just waltzed in this school and claimed her throne like a goddamn queen. We wouldn't even be friends if it weren't for Brittany. She latched on Quinn third day of classes when she realized that Quinn was the smartest girl in the room. She used to always want to sit next to ME. God I hate Quinn so much.

And Sam Evans. He has a thing for my home girl. And Quinn too, I guess. I love Brittany. God, not like I'm in love with her but maybe close. I'm surprised at the anger I feel about what he writes about Quinn, like I hate her, but god she's just so ugh. Quinn is… Quinn. I know I promised I'd be honest in this stupid diary but I can't even tell how I feel towards Quinn so for now I'll just settle for silently hating Sam. He can't take my two girls.

Maybe I can hint to Quinn that Trouty Mouth is gay? That would encourage Kurt.

So after reading it twice and photocopying the important bits, I went up to the guppy. I was all like, "Hey you dropped this somewhere."

He looked shocked and was all like, "Um, thanks. How did you know it was mine?"

"Oh I looked through it."

He couldn't take that stupid shocked expression on his face.

"You can have it back," I said as I shoved the diary to his face. "I already photocopied the important parts."

He didn't know whether I was joking or not. I love it when I have an advantage over boys. It's like my gift.

You know what, I'm enjoying this whole writing things down. Ms Pilsbury was all like it's nice to have a safe place where you can just be yourself and so far I haven't really felt the need to impress anybody because no one is going to freaking see what I'm writing so I think I'm gonna continue. Every time I see something at school, and I feel like I have to share, I'll write it down.

Not too thrilled about the fact though that I have a diary. It's like I share something with Sam. Although Britt has a diary too, and I think Quinn has one, otherwise I have no idea what is in that notebook she always has with her. She doodles on it sometimes, but won't let me see. Hm, maybe I could swipe it one of these days. Maybe she wrote something about me. I'd love to know what's in that annoyingly pretty little head of hers. Ugh. I hate Quinn.

Okay so next time I got something cool, I'll write.

For now,

xxxxx

Santana


	2. Chapter 2

_Santana, wanna come over and watch The Jersey Shore? -Q_

 _Ugh I'm so bored, come over and bring Britt. -Quinn_

 _How horrible did Rachel look this morning? hahaha -Q_

 _Who are you singing a duet with? Also what do you think of the new kid? He's kind of cute don't you think? -Q_

 _Santana, text me back. Seriously. We're still friends aren't we? -Quinn_

It kind of makes me laugh how Quinn is apologizing by not saying sorry. But you know what, I don't care how sorry Quinn thinks she is, I have been threatening her with random text messages from a blocked number saying "I'm on to you, baby mama." It's kind of funny actually. I got one of those disposable phones and have been calling her at random moments. Then she gets this panicky look in her hazel eyes before her ice cold mask covers it and her face freezes into that no expression look. Damn it I hate Quinn so much.

God you know who else I hate? Sam Evans. He freaking joined Glee Club and is just so damn happy about it. Like I don't know why he's so happy, oh wait no I do. It's because of stupid Quinn and Britt. He got his favorite girls all in one room! Kurt thinks he's gay and I want to encourage that, not because you know I'm totally pro-gay or anything but because this week Mr. Schue is making us do duets and I just don't want Trouty Mouth to get any ideas, you know.

It was really hard to pick a duet partner at first because I knew Britt was out of the running. The other day I was sneaking out of Britt's house at the crack of dawn when Mike Chang freaking jogs past me. I ran past him hurriedly, but I don't think he keeps his mouth shut because Tina and Mercedes have been snickering, so I've been trying to avoid Britt. I can't sing with anybody I'm close to, meaning Quinn is also out of the picture (I've always wondered how I would sound with her) and I didn't wanna do a duet with Artie. I'm not really into the younger guys (been there done that with Finn). So Mercedes is the one I have chosen. I thought Britt would go for Kurt you know, since they've made out and stuff, but like instead she goes to freaking Wheels and she tells me I'm not allowed to enter her magical Boobland. Like what the hell. Artie is also another person that I now hate, by the way. I don't care how cute and small he is and how I want to adopt him sometimes, for now I hate his guts.

Sam and Quinn are doing a duet together. God I hate them both so much. Why does Sam get to sing with Quinn who he has a major crush on and I can't even bear the idea of singing one with Brittany? Like life is unfair. He gets to be blond because he can sort of kind of pull it off. Maybe one day I'll dye my hair blond. Then I'll just be like Quinn and Sam. Ha! I know for a fact Quinn isn't really a blonde because one time I snuck into her bathroom to look at all her products and figure out what stuff she uses and she has this conditioner for specially coloured hair. I was so glad to find that out.

You know what, I'm gonna go and practice one more time with Mercedes. Britt just texted me that she can't make it tonight because she's rehearsing with Artie? I thought she was kidding about him. Britt can't cut me off.

This will blow over. She doesn't get to replace me with stupid four eyes-two wheels.

xxxx

Santana


	3. Chapter 3

I don't own Glee. Forgot the disclaimer, but better late than never!

Chapter 3

It's been a while. I was thinking of writing a few weeks ago, but I've just been doing so much lately with glee club and getting revenge on Quinn and Finn after the whole glee club ganged up on me. It kind of hurt that nobody stood up and defended me. It stung that Britt who is so against bullying didn't even bother to say anything. I didn't even mean anything by that stupid lizard baby comment. Brittany's probably infected my head, I say the stupidest things out loud sometimes. I just meant that lizards were kind of cute and then I blurted out how disappointed I was that Quinn didn't give birth to a lizard baby, but I guess it came off sounding snarky.

Ugh I hate like all the people at McKinley. Ever since I've been demoted from HBIC to a stupid low life Cheerio at the bottom of the triangle, I've been hearing my name pop up more often than not in conversations. And I hate it because it is so unsettling to think that when these people speak to my face, they hardly ever use my name in front of me, but instead it'll come up in conversations when I'm not around! Especially the other girls in the Cheerios what with their fake smiles who are just dying to nail me down onto a table of gossip and then right afterwards they're just gonna forget what they said?

Sure, I pretend not to notice. I pretend not to hear. Like I'm all Rachel Berry-esque with my 'You can't sink me down from my level' attitude, but oh my god it scares me to death because their words are what keeps me up in bed late at night.

Drama queen.

Crybaby.

Lima loser.

Slut.

Bully.

You know what fuck this, why am I so depressed and crap? God I'm so pathetic.

Like who cares if they don't like me, (sorry okay I do care a lot) but I've decided not to cry in hallways anymore. Thank God Britt was there. Without her I'm so alone. She's like the only one out there who won't hesitate to come over and tuck me in and kiss my heart. And I'm not talking about just my chest area. I only need like one ring and I'll hear the voice of Britt. She can cheer me up. I think I'm gonna do that. I mean she stopped cutting me off and we've gone back to the way we were with all the making out and sleepovers. She's so much nicer to me now, especially since I've asked Sam out. She thinks we can do double dates and stuff. Please, I'm only going out with him to make sure that Quinn stays alone. (Although okay I have no idea why he turned me on so much singing Baby by Justin Bieber. Like honestly when Britt and I first heard that song on the radio, I was like, hey who's this girl?) Like if I can't be with the love of my life, why does she get a chance wait that didn't make sense. I wasn't talking about Britt. Damn it I must be getting my period or something, or is writing supposed to make you all depressed and crap. I don't know if I like this.

Quick! Happy thoughts.

I didn't write that I got to perform Valerie! So yeah that was nice. Our dresses were really great because Kurt and Mercedes teamed up and they asked me for my input! I would have added some red, but they told us we shouldn't let our clothes distract the judges from our talents.

Oh my god Britt's dancing was incredible. Like I already knew that she could move, but she never really got the chance to show me all those other stuff because when we dance together, I can't really lift her up. Oh well. I thought I'd lose my place singing because at one moment I just wanted to just stare at her, and I don't understand how she has that effect on me. I asked my abuela the other day how come she doesn't have very many girlfriends and you know what she said to me?

"I didn't really care about being with anybody else because my world felt complete when your abuelo was around."

How sweet was that? And how weird is it that it's kind of how I've always felt when like I have my homegirls with me. God I really hope I don't end up alone because I want to be like abuela and I don't mind getting all sappy romantic and crap.

I hope to God nobody sees this. This is a really bad entry.

But you know what? Sorry not sorry.

xxxxx

Santana

 **Thanks for reading. I started this story because I wanted to delve into why Santana hated Sam so much and was so mad when he and Brittany got together. Also, I was sort of leaning towards this being a Quinntana fic, but I'm not 100% sure yet. I ship them both. Feel free to let me know who you want Santana to end up with in the end, or like anything you want Santana to write about? This is all my opinion of how Santana thinks, I apologise if she was rather whiny in the beginning. Still trying to find her voice! x**


	4. Chapter 4

Disclaimer: I don't own Glee!

*voice recorded message*

Heeeey. It's me. I am really drunk right now and I've turned on my phone and that's why I'm speaking into it because I can barely even open my eyes but I need to keep my head inside my thoughts and vomit it out or I'm going to forget all this tomorrow. Oh damn I'm not looking forward to getting up like ever again.

Why am I so drunk, you may ask. I just came from Rachel Berry's something something drinking bonanza! God I had so much fun. Quinn was glaring at me while I pretended to be into Trouty Mouth's well mouth and she didn't look happy. I don't even really believe she had a thing for him, so like why was she so angry tonight? She was yelling at Puck about her body and abs and oh *smacks lips* Quinn used to be so proud of her abs. We had competitions as to who had the most toned stomach.

One time we went on this week long diet where we ate nothing but eggplants because Brittany said that it was a complete diet already since it was both an egg and a plant/vegetable. Quinn and I weighed ourselves afterwards and when she lost 2 pounds and I gained one, I chucked that scale out her window, scared a cat and that's how Brittany met Charity.

Britt still has abs. I should know I did a body shot off her earlier this evening. I was so nervous I fell over laughing afterwards. It was just too much.

My head's clearing a little, but I hope I forget all this tomorrow, so I'm going to be completely honest.

So this is what happened at Rachel's.

"Who wants to play Spin the Bottle?" she yells out.

I immediately glance over to see if Britt was game and she was wheeling her stupid boyfriend into the circle that had gathered.

"Are you going to play?" Quinn asked me, her voice less angry than before.

I glanced at the circle, ugh I wasn't looking to kiss any of them, except of course Britt, but I can't do that in front of people. They might like, i don't know, stare.

"Nah," I said to Quinn. "They want the Santana experience, we need to be like alone."

Quinn scoffed. "Nice, coming from someone who had a threesome with Puck and Britt."

I didn't even bother to correct her. That threesome was just me and Britt making out over Puck.

I wasn't paying attention to the game, until someone yelled "Whoo! Go Britt-Britt!" And what the fuck do I see? I see Guppy Mouth grab Brittany's head and kisses her open mouthed. What the hell! He still had a thing for Britt? NO ME GUSTA. And Brittany is just so into it, like wasn't one guy enough for her? She already had Artie! I didn't even think I just completely broke up the kiss and glaring at Britt. I almost yanked Sam's hair off, like I was fuming.

Britt kept apologising afterwards, even in the car. She called her mom to pick us up and the whole time she was just like, "Santana, I'm so sorry. Please."

I couldn't even look at her properly, I was crying so hard. I was blubbering something like, "Sam likes you Britt, ugh don't be stupid, everybody wants you."

"No," she says firmly. "They want Quinn." She giggled.

I had to laugh at that one. "He's supposed to be MY boyfriend," I continue sobbing.

She stroked my head. "Oh honey, that kiss meant nothing. You're the most desirable girl ever, I'm so sorry for kissing Sam."

"Promise me you'll never date him!" I cry, grabbing the bottom of my shirt to wipe my face. Ugh, my mascara was all smudged.

"Not unless I want to marry him and have his little guppy face babies," she joked.

I suddenly threw up and Britt and her mom dropped me off quickly and now I'm here.

I stink like vomit.

I hate Sam.

I don't know why I'm so angry and jealous and oh my god what oh sorry my phone just vibrated.

HOPE YOU GOT HOME SAFE. GOOD NIGHT SANTANA. Wow. That was from Quinn. That is so weird, but right now I can't even, so I'm going to…

xxx

Santana


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5

It's been two days since that drinking fiasco and I am so glad I can put that thing behind me. Not my best moment, I have to say with all the crying and puke. BUT! So far things are going really well for me. The only thing that seems to kind of annoy me is the fact that Brittany has taken it upon herself (therefore I'm included) to cheer up Quinn. Sometimes I really hate Britt's soft heart of gold because we could be alone and making out many times during the day, but instead we're hanging out at Quinn's. Or Britt's. Or mine's. Today for instance, I really just wanted to kick Quinn out of Brittany's house just so the two of us could be alone.

"What time do you have to go home?" I hinted at Quinn after a while of playing cards, because I seriously needed her to be gone. Britt and I have been exchanging dirty messages all day at school, and it's almost dinner time and I haven't even gotten to first base. No me gusta.

Quinn rolled her eyes. "I don't have a curfew anymore, Santana." she answered me slowly. "My mother has stopped enforcing my father's old rules on me." She shrugged.

Brittany clapped in joy. "That means you can sleepover without us having to give a three day notice, right?" she asked and Quinn nodded her head in confirmation.

"I mean, I already got pregnant once, not gonna let it happen again anytime soon," Quinn said flatly.

I raised my eyes. We've really been avoiding this topic for the longest time. I glanced at Brittany quickly. She was looking like she meant to say or ask Quinn something and I shook my head at her. Too late.

"Oh that's sad!" Brittany goes. "I really want to be one of those fairy godmothers to your next angel baby. I thought I'd get a chance again when you and Sam got together."

My eyes widen automatically. Damn it, why did Brittany have to bring up that guy I'm dating? Ugh.

"Yeah, well somebody had to just really mess that all up, huh?" Quinn glares at me.

God I hate Quinn's glares so much. Sure, I can take them, but honestly overtime she does that my heart skips a beat, because it's just so damn terrifying. I hate Quinn so much, like why does she get to have this effect on me? The moment she gives me that look I feel like a stupid lizard or frog or whatever under a freaking microscope. It's like I'm just stuck and I can't move, I can't do anything but look down and feel guilty.

"Whatever," I say hotly, not meeting Quinn's eyes. I can't. I already feel too bad. But I didn't show it. "I'm breaking up with him soon," I say, kind of defensively. I turned to Quinn. "I will never forget how he kissed Britt."

Brittany gasped. "Santana!" She frowned. "I can't believe you're still mad about that. I told you I'm sorry lots of times. I even wrote you a card and everything."

By the way, that card is now in that stash box where I keep my favorite things. It was an awesome card, except Brittany made it pink. She had cut out photos of herself frowning and looking bad and she drew these cute little bubble boxes where she wrote out the words sorry in different languages. I have no idea if the languages were even for real, but who cares, she obviously spent some effort on it and I loved it so much. She never fails to change my mood. I suppose that's why she's my best friend, because with Britt being so kind and nice just ugh so sunshiney it makes me feel like all the anger in me kind of simmers down, you know? This is going to sound freaking dumb but like in New Moon Bella talks about how Jacob is like her fresh air and everything with him is just so warm and all that crap and I can't help but think of Brittany as the sun. She's like the only one who lights up this stupid world and reminds me that everything's going to be alright. Here Comes the Sun will never stop reminding me of Britt, I've added that to my list of songs that I've been collecting which makes me think about Brittany. But I don't think I'm in love with her. I don't know. What the hell is falling in love supposed to feel like anyway? We had to write a definition of love in one of our English classes and even though I got an A- (thanks to Quinn spell-checking my paper!) I still have no clue what falling in love really is.

My paper was just a bunch of bull about all the cliche things love was supposed to be, like how it feels like falling and letting go and feeling like you're losing control. But it also feels like trust and all that crap and I hate this. All this talking about feelings and thinking about stuff gives me a headache. I have no idea what I'm even talking about right now.

How do you know if you're actually falling in love? I mean is it supposed to feel so wrong, but also so right? Is it when you sneak little glimpses of her so you won't get caught staring? Sometimes I actually pray that this time she initiates because I've been waiting on her all day and when we're alone together it feels like a date. And then when she finally talks to me, I just bitch and I'll play because it's easier to be mean than to make sense of all these feelings I'm trying not to let in.

God I hate how I have all these questions in my head and I hate how they keep changing and the answers always stay wrong. Damn all this writing is making my head lose control, but what the hell, I like doing it and I'm already down too deep in this stupid hole.

Could I actually be falling in love?

Actually though, if I had to place a bet on what falling in love feels like, this is what I'll bet on.

That one day in winter last year when it started to snow and Britt and I walked home together even though one of the guys she was sleeping with offered her a ride home. I begged her not to go.

"But I'm already so cold, San," she almost whimpered.

I reached over to give her a warm hug. "I can keep you warm," I flirt a little.

"What," she laughed, "you expect us to walk home hugging?"

"Maybe," I laugh back. But then I pull away to press my hands against my face. "I'm so cold, too, I can't feel my face."

Brittany stepped close to me and pinched my cheeks. I found myself biting my tongue so I wouldn't say anything stupid but I remember clearly how her eyes were so blue as she looked at me, but she still didn't SEE.

And I want to tell her all these things, because she's my best friend, but I think that if I tell Britt that I think I've fallen in love, she's just going to ask with who. Then she'll ask me all these questions I don't know the answer to, and I hate questions. Like do people think I haven't been asking all that to myself? I just want someone to give me a wise word and make me not feel bad.

But Britt is with stupid Artie and I'm supposed to be with Sam, who was supposed to be with Quinn, who was supposed to be with Puck, or Finn, but then obviously that went nowhere. If it had gone anywhere, Quinn wouldn't have spent days playing a game of Dutch Blitz with Britt and I (stealing some precious alone time) but instead she'd be out on a date or something.

"I'm not mad," I told Britt. "I loved your card." I give her a slow smile and Brittany quickly leaned over and gave me a small peck.

I pulled away and whipped my head to see if Quinn had seen it.

She was smirking. Damn it.

"Please," she scoffed. "Why are you blushing so hard, Santana?" She asked. "It's not like I didn't know you two have gotten it on."

"Um, what." I said flatly. My glance went back to Brittany, who shrugged her shoulders.

Britt started to explain, "Remember when I was going through the list of people at McKinley?" she asked, and I nodded. "Well, I kissed Quinn, but like I reassured her that it would be fine because I've kissed a girl before and I told her I liked it and then she asked who have I kissed and I told her you." She looked at me expectantly, while Quinn had that stupid smirk on her face.

"You knew the whole time?" I was shocked. Not mad or angry or whatever, I just… How could I have missed that Quinn was aware of this?

Quinn grabbed her bag, and leaned towards my ear. "You're not the only one who's always been paying attention, Santana." she almost whispered, and I felt myself shiver. Quinn stood up and opened the door, before turning back. "Thanks for the this, Britt. Santana. Have fun you two." She continued smirking before she left us.

Brittany just turned to me and shrugged, before she started to clean up the cards. Game was over, but the cleaning can wait. For now I needed Brittany for a heavy make-out session where she would make me forget all questions and maybe my name.

xxxx

Santana


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer: I don't own Glee!**

Chapter 6

 _Oh mirror in the sky, what is love? Can a child within my heart rise above? Can I sail through the change and ocean of tides? Can I handle the seasons all my life?_

If this is love, then love sucks. I spent all day yesterday lying in bed or crying in the bathroom. I sat down on the cold tile floor with tears glazing my cheeks. I felt like my entire world just crumbled around me. Then I thought maybe I could stay there forever, and then my body will just wither away. Maybe my baby cousin would discover it and make dust piles from my bones or something. Heartbreak sucks. It feels like my best friend, the girl I loved, drove a blade through my heart.

Oh god I miss Brittany. I've pretty much cut her off my life, which hasn't been easy, in fact it's hard. I didn't know how addicted I was to the way her kisses felt against my skin or the way her soft words enveloped me. It's so freaking hard now what with all the silence spread out like the sea. Every time she looks at me I give her back this blank stare I've perfected sketching on my face, even though my heart jumps a little because in that moment where our eyes lock, I know she's been thinking of me.

I'm so tired of feeling so tired. My body's stuck in this terrible constant fatigue and I have a hard time breathing in glee club, I haven't even sang since that day when I felt like the person I loved dropped a pile of stones on my heart making it heavy and blocking my lungs. Every time I look at her I find it so hard to breathe. She's no longer the sun. She's like that black hole I got sucked into because I was stupid enough to believe that I would get a happy ending the moment I decide to be kind of honest.

Today I snapped at her when she asked if we could hang out. I said, "Stop being stupid, Brittany. I don't want to hang out with you. I have plans with my homegirl Quinn." I honestly didn't, and I almost took it back when I saw the tears form in Brittany's eyes immediately. I wanted to grab her and envelope her in a hug. I'm sorry for how I feel. I'm sorry for hurting your feelings. I'm sorry I keep saying sorry. But honestly, all I want is for her to say she's sorry for making me feel like this.

So that's how I found myself having to go hang out with Quinn. I dropped by her house right before dinner. I knew her mom was still out and wouldn't be back till about 8. I rang the doorbell. When nobody answered, I stepped back to holler at her window.

"Fabray, open up!" I shouted.

Quinn opened her window. "Uh, Santana, I just woke up." she said. Which was weird, because Quinn hated to take naps. But maybe she changed because her hair was all messed up and something.

"Let me in!" I yell again.

"Uh, okay, um go around the back," she told me and then proceeded to shut her window.

I thought it was weird of course, the only time I used the backdoor (wanky!) was when Quinn, Britt and I used to sneak in or out of the Fabrays'.

As soon as I stepped foot in Quinn's bedroom, however, I knew why.

"Finn was here." I stated, bouncing on her bed.

Quinn widened her eyes before she composed her features. "What are you talking about, Santana?" she asked me curtly.

"Oh please," I scoffed. Quinn must think I'm dumb. "Finn uses the athletic deodorant that the school provides for the football team. Same as Sam and Puck. The only time he doesn't is when he uses that Axe body spray he thinks is sexy." I rolled my eyes.

Quinn opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out.

"Yeah I know." I told her, raising a shoulder and tilting my head for that nonchalant sorry not sorry look. "I took away his v card, okay?"

"Aha! So you're the one!" Quinn said triumphantly. "I knew he wasn't a virgin anymore!"

I raised my eyebrows. This was interesting. "So you're actually sleeping with Finn?" That was just… no. I can't even. Like why?

"I need him," Quinn says. "We're gonna be prom king and queen." She sat down on the bed, where I proceeded to lie down on it. Who cares if they had sex here earlier? I wasn't on the side of the bed that smelled like somebody spilled Axe body spray on it, I was on Quinn's side. It smelled like strawberries and champagne. I sniffed her pillow. Oh god that smell is so good. It even smelled better than Britt's cucumber shampoo.

"You're such a user," I said to Quinn, as I took another whiff. Oh yes.

"Please, Santana, like you're any better." Quinn retorted. "Also what the hell are you doing?" she asks. Oh crap she saw me.

I blushed. "Your pillow smelled great okay? I think I want that perfume," I replied hotly.

Quinn shook her head. "No don't. It's mine, Santana. You already have a signature scent, don't change it."

I never really thought I had a signature scent. "What's my scent?" I asked curiously.

She thought for a moment. "Your hair smells like lavender, but your perfume smells like thistles. Flowery and woodsy."

"That's scarily accurate."

Quinn smiled smugly. "Well, don't flatter yourself, Santana. I just have a thing for scents," she told me.

"Uh, that's weird. Why?" To be honest, Quinn and I hardly ever have long conversations about ourselves. We usually steered away from revealing information about each other because I don't know like maybe we're both scared to reveal too much since it would be just like us to use it against the other. But I was liking this conversation, and she was opening up. Which she really never did before.

"I used to have a breathing problem," Quinn answered.

"What, so you got a nose job and then you spend every day feeling blessed and grateful to God and the surgeon for giving you the gift of smell?" I asked sarcastically.

Quinn's mouth dropped open. "What? Santana! How did you even…?"

"Oh please," I replied. "I have experience with plastic surgery, remember? Haven't had my nose done, but I know what to look for."

"Seems like you spend a lot of time staring at my face then, Santana." Quinn retorted.

"Don't flatter yourself." I repeated her words back at her. "You're the one who knows what I smell like."

"Santana, I told you…" I cut her off.

"Why do you keep saying my name? You've said it like 29 times already."

"What." Quinn frowned. "I have not been saying it a lot, San." she said slowly, dragging each syllable, and I rolled my eyes in response when she cut herself off because she was obviously about to say my name.

Quinn then scooted up the bed, so she was lying down on the other side.

We stared at each other. My brown eyes meeting her hazel eyes clouded with an expression I couldn't read. It was making me really uncomfortable, so I went for being a bitch again.

"Are you looking for Finnocence to actually knock you up this time or…"

"Santana, stop."

"You might have more fun just having his sperm artificially inseminated, you know. He's kind of crap in bed."

Quinn gasped and smacked my arm. "Stop it," she says.

"Plus the only thing your baby would have is like height and hopefully your looks so they would have that going for them. Maybe they could…"

I had to stop talking because right then she leaned over and kissed me.

That moment when her lips met mine still shocks me. I can't explain it. I can't understand it. It was feeling like I could start to breathe again. It was as if everything I've ever felt in life came back and formed a gigantic feeling and struck me. It felt like my body was racked with a lightning bolt. My heart was jumpstarted. My lungs cleared up. I could breathe. I could breathe without Brittany. I could think about her without wanting to cry.

If Brittany was the sun and her not choosing me was like taking away air, then Quinn's kiss was like that stab of pen that allergic people use in order to start breathing again.

Quinn pulled away and all I could do was croak, "What was that for?"

"I wanted you to stop talking," Quinn replied. "Don't bring up babies."

I touched my lips. "I'm sorry, Quinn." I didn't know what to say. I felt like I was floating, my thoughts were still raging in my head. Quinn Fabray just kissed me.

"Sorry about the kiss," Quinn says, not sounding sorry at all.

"It's okay," I mumbled before scrambling up. "I gotta go." I looked around her room then spotted a hair tie by her table. "I just came over to get my hair tie." I grabbed it quickly.

I left before she could say something.

Quinn Fabray kissed me.

She just totally freaking kissed me.

Sure it was a peck, but until today the only girl I've kissed was Brittany, and those kisses were intense.

So why did Quinn's small 'grandma' peck make me feel like I was on ecstasy?

 **Thank you for all the reviews so far. Please, keep them coming. I really wanna know your thoughts on this chapter and the story so far and I would like to know as well what you want to see, what you like or didn't like or any other thoughts. xx**


	7. Chapter 7

**Disclaimer: Glee is not mine, but the lyrics are. :-) Hope you enjoy.**

Chapter 7

I am complete shit at writing songs about boys. Honestly, there's really nothing nice to say about them you know? I attempted to write a sweet romantic song about Sam, but I ended up being completely honest. The only thing that I could come up with that seemed really nice was the line, 'I love sucking on those salamander lips.' Because honestly, when I close my eyes, it felt like I was making out with a girl. And when I bury my face on his neck and see that fake blond hair, it was almost like I was with someone else. Almost. So no, my song did not turn out the way I wanted it to turn out, but what the hell, Trouty Mouth is gold. It's going to be remembered for ages in the glee club.

I was in the middle of trying to write another song while I was sitting on the bleachers today. Coach Sylvester ended practice early and the weather was really nice out so I tried to see if the bleachers would inspire me. I mean, there are only three places in this school where my feelings always come out. The field where we have Cheerio practice, the glee club room (okay the auditorium counts too I guess) and the hallway. I managed to throw about a dozen pages of notebook paper when I heard Quinn's voice.

"You shouldn't waste paper, Santana. It's bad for the environment," she said as she started walking up to wear I was seated.

"Yeah, well, songwriting sucks." I huffed.

Quinn reached me and sat down. She had a notebook and a pen with her. "Yeah, I'm not much of a songwriter, either." She told me, glancing at her notebook. "I thought it'd be easy, you know. Since I keep a journal and everything."

"You keep a journal?" I was shocked. But ugh, another thing in common with Quinn Fabray. If I didn't hate her so much, would I actually like her because of all the things we had in common? I don't know.

"Yeah," she answered, slowly. "I started when I was pregnant with Beth. At first it was just a food diary, with calorie counts and stuff. But afterwards, I just found myself completely immersed in it. It was… therapeutic."

I had to agree. I actually feel more intellectual? ever since I started writing here. Okay, that just sounded super pretentious, but like whatever. It helps. Not gonna tell Quinn I agreed with her though. So I didn't answer her and pretended I was writing, and soon she started writing too. The only sounds we could hear were from the birds chirping and our scratches on the paper. I didn't even know what to write about, but I found myself scribbling some thoughts on the paper. Scattered, non-sense feelings.

 _I never thought I'd write you songs_

 _I never thought I'd want you this long_

 _Today's the day I break my rules_

 _You always said you'd always stay so I hoped_

 _I guess you've forgotten_

 _Seems like you've moved on proper_

 _Now all I have left is with my doubt_

 _Doubting you, doubting me_

 _Doubting everything that I've believed_

 _Blue eyes never ending_

 _This sea of you is drowning me_

 _Girl you're a fucking tsunami_

 _And I don't know how to swim_

 _GIrl, please oh please_

 _Release your hold on me_

 _Release your hold on me_

I was deep in my thoughts, but once again Quinn's voice brought me back to reality.

"I'll show you mine, if you show me yours," she blurted out.

I grinned. "Wanky."

Quinn rolled her eyes, but then her expression was hopeful. "Come on, Santana. No judgments. Just like a critical eye."

I raised my eyebrow. Oh what the hell. So we exchanged papers.

 _You've always been great with your words_

 _And we all know you're better with your body_

 _You told me you would make me feel so good_

 _I wouldn't know what hit me_

 _You told me you wanted me oh so badly_

 _You keep imagining my taste on your tongue_

 _You're crazy inappropriate_

 _Walking picture of sex_

 _You told me all these things_

 _And I thought I knew what you meant_

 _But when you smiled at me_

 _And I saw that look in your eyes_

 _With that one gentle kiss and that stupid smile_

 _I knew what getting fucked felt like_

Holy shit.

"You just wrote this?" I yelped. That was just. Like, wow. I mean, I did not expect that from Celibacy Advocate Quinn Fabray at all.

"Let's talk about yours!" Quinn replies, grinning as she held up my notebook. "This is really good, Santana."

"Yours was wow. I didn't see that one coming, Quinn." I swear, no words. Like, just. "Geez, Fabray. Didn't know you had it in you." I shook my head then started slow clapping.

"Oh, stop." Quinn chuckled.

"No really," I told her, then narrowed my eyes. "Wait, now you're just fishing for compliments."

Quinn actually laughed out loud. "Yours, though, Santana," she said, her voice turning serious. "This type of writing, you know, from a guy's perspective, it's like, really good. I haven't seen it before. That's super creative of you," her voice sincere.

"Uh yeah," I blushed. "You know, I just wanted to try out different voices and like um perspectives and uh yeah see what it was like being the one wanting the ex-girlfriend or like, um. Anyways.." I blabbered on. I swear, I had no idea what I was even talking about.

Quinn narrowed her eyes at me, and I had to look away. Change topic. "Uh you should show yours to everyone," I said. "It's really really good," I told her.

"Would you show yours to everyone?" Quinn asked me.

Huh. Okay good point. "I guess not," I answered. "Damn it, it's way better than Trouty Mouth, but I don't want to deal with Mr Schue's awkward interview questions and inputs and crap."

"Me neither," Quinn says, putting her notebook away. "You should feel special, Santana," she said, her voice teasing. "You're the only one on earth who will see this masterpiece."

I chuckled. "Consider me flattered, Fabray." I told her sincerely. "And you too. This song is only meant to be put on paper."

"That's too bad. It's really heartfelt."

"Yours too, I could totally feel the emotions." Geez, it felt like we were on a compliment competition. This was getting weird. We've never said this many nice things to each other. "Was that for Puck?" I asked. She was talking about a walking picture of sex and next to me (and Britt when she's in the mood) Puckerman was the only one hot enough in glee club. Plus, she got knocked up by him and there was that whole sappy we-created-a-life-together feels they shared after Beth was born, so I mean, obviously it was about him right?

"Was your song for you?" Quinn cuts me off quickly, her hazel eyes gazing into mine.

I started stammering again. "Yeah, uh I'm kind of insane like a tsunami and like I've kind of you know, broken so many guys' hearts, and uh I wanted to see if like I could maybe you know, write their perspective," I got out.

She raised an eyebrow, and her eyes continued to bore into mine. "That's really cool, Santana. Writing from a guy's perspective." Damn it, what is up with Quinn's stare. What the fuck what is she doing, I was squirming so much I couldn't even…

"I'm a huge lesbian," I blurted out.

What. The. Fuck.

All of a sudden, Quinn's voice was gentle. The most gentle and sweetest I've ever seen her become. Her eyes went soft and when she spoke to me, it was pure honey. Not the sugar coated sarcastic Fabray, but this was just Quinn. "That song was for Britt, wasn't it?" she asked.

I have no idea what happened, but all of a sudden I threw my arms around Quinn and started bawling.

"Shh, it's okay," she says, stroking my hair. She let me cry for a few minutes until I've settled down.

"Consider yourself flattered, Quinn." I told her. "You're the only one who knows now."

Quinn smiled at me. "Santana," she said, "I really am flattered." Something in Quinn's smile made me just believe she wouldn't use this against me, because I don't know, like we had a moment or something?

"Now let's go home," I said, as I stood up. "I think I need to go dump a boy."

 **Please review. Let me know if you guys are still interested and what you like and want to see. Thank you guys so much. :-)**


End file.
